And my first thought was not excitement, Not even my second thought.

As Ethan, my physician's assistant (who is also a Leo, we are two days apart!) came into the consultation room and sat down, I was ready for THE WORST NEWS. I was convinced I had Ductal Carcinoma in situ. I had pored over my surgery notes and they had gone back for more bad cells THREE TIMES. That couldn't be good. I had done a deep dive into Dr. Google and obviously self-diagnosed best and worst-case scenarios and they both were CANCER. I sat there with my stupid pink gown on and steeled myself.
What came out of Ethan's mouth was, "We didn't find any cancer."
What I heard was, "blah blah blah cancer"
He continued for another 90 seconds or so and at the end said, "So we won't need to see you until next June for your mammogram."
I was so confused. And since the pandemic, my mind doesn't do unexpected transitions as well. "I'm going to need you to start over, please."
Ethan went over all the info again. THEY DIDN'T FIND ANY CANCER.
And then I felt embarrassed.
Had I made too much of a huge deal about all this? Had I splashed it all over the internet and essentially cried wolf? Had I asked too much of all my friends? (Asking For Help blog is still in pre-production. The truth is hard to tell.)
And then I started wondering why I wasn't feeling the good feelings. But I couldn't shake the embarrassment. My brain was messed up for weeks and my body still hurt. But it was all for nothing? What the fuck. Now I'm just done?
Well, not quite. My surgeon is recommending I try Tamoxifen, a drug that reduces my pretty significant chances of breast cancer by 50%. And has heavy-duty side effects. Maybe. For some people. And I need to meet with a Medical Oncologist. I'm gonna do a blog on it. Let's get back to all the feelings.

The next 15 minutes were a blur and suddenly I was standing out front of the building waiting for Kenzie to come pick me up. What happened? I started thinking about all the stuff I had put off, some consciously and some not, for the entire fall. I had literally made no future plans, thinking that all my time was going to be taken up with treatment. I had really fooled myself and now I felt foolish.
I am very lucky I have a crack team of brain-fixers at the ready at all times. Kenzie reassured me that no one was going to be mad at me for NOT having cancer. Such a good point. Rachel told me that my boobs are my best quality and they would never betray me. And Elena reminded me that I really need to set up an Only Fans account because folks dig scars.
As I had a taco and a bourbon, I started to feel a little bit relieved. By the end of the first cider, there was a tiny light in the distance that I think was joy,
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